Wobbles

Physically, I wobble, and I always have done. I’m one of those people that always tends to be disorganised and untogether so I’ve always seen my lack of coordination as an inevitable consequence of my being too distracted to walk properly or to make the effort to get fit and strong.

Physical wobbles are a part of me that I’m used to and don’t care about, but lately I’ve been fending off emotional wobbles too. I’ve started telling a few people about this MS thing. I find myself following a script, something along the lines of:  I’ve been having physio – something is off neurologically – so I went to a neurologist – and I have MS BUT I’M FINE!!! – [insert some kind of crass joke].

But although I have this script to follow I can’t control the way people react to it, and that’s the part that’s hardest to deal with. So far, email has been my friend, but I’ve had to speak to a few people face to face and seeing their shock – even if they try to hide it – has scared me every time. I feel just like I did standing outside the hospital on the day that kicked this all off. It’s like I’m behind glass, separated from the normal world that’s just carrying on regardless. And no matter how much I try to act like I’m still part of that world, I’m not and I never will be again.

So MS’ers – is this how things are going to stay? Or will I start feeling part of the world again? Have you felt like this, and if so what did you do about it?

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